Just for context: I go to a church since i was born basically, grew up there, my whole life i’ve been going to the meetings almost four times a week and having to participate of activities that i usually don’t like. When i was 13, i finally had completed the age allowed for a trip that the teenagers there go every year, and of course i was excited because i felt like i was finally a teenager and could hang out with the “cool kids” but i have always been extremely shy and introverted. So i felt left out, like an outsider just watching everyone having fun with their group of friends. I felt invisible for them like they didn’t even notice me at all, even my cousin (who’s my age) was hanging out with them and barely talked to me. After that i realized that it wasn’t only that fact that made me uncomfortable but also everything, the “parties”, the meetings, i just wanted to stay in the room all day and i think that even if i did no one would even care and since that first time i went i have decided not to go anymore, but every time someone would insist so much that had to “socialize” that i ended up going just because i didn’t wanna hurt their feelings by saying no. So this year again, they insisted until i agreed to go, but this year has been one of the worst so far, i’ve been feeling so anxious and had problems with depression a few months ago and just now i was starting to get back on my feet, the main reason i agreed to go this time is because it is the first time my little cousin is going and although she have much more friends than i had when i was her age, i didn’t want to disappoint her by not going. So the big day has arrived, the day we were leaving for the trip but yesterday i had a mental breakdown, i felt really anxious, because i was thinking of the trip and the many reasons i had not to go: i hate crowds, it’s kinda hot and i cannot use t-shirts because i have scars in my arms and i hate that in church people believe that depression and this kind of struggle is because you don’t have God in your life, i’ve been feeling extremely insecure about my looks and etc. So all of this was going through my mind nonstop yesterday and i felt so overwhelmed that i started crying and saying i didn’t wanna go anymore, my mom insisted but as she realized it was no use she let the decision up to me. I decided not to go and sent a text to my “leader” informing that i’ve changed my mind and wasn’t feeling well to go, (she didn’t even answer) and telling my cousin that i wasn’t gonna go anymore. My mom keeps saying now that i was selfish for deciding not to go last minute and not knowing how to keep my word in things, she said that everyone must be upset at me for this and i should’ve been more considerate of my cousin who now will go without me even though she has friends there and won’t be alone. So now I’m starting to think i really was selfish and should’ve put all of those thoughts aside and just go anyway to not let anyone down. AITA?