Yesterday I ended up smoking too much with my bf and started panicking/spiralling. There has been a LOT of bad things that happened in my life recently, main thing was getting kicked out of my moms house, basically getting cut off by her entirely. Leaving me with no family left as my brother is in a different state with no relationship with him (not bad but not close) and having no relationship and contact with my dad. I started crying like a baby a little after smoking, at first he asked me if Im ok and what was wrong but in the moment I couldn’t explain why I was crying and when I wanted to stop I just couldn’t. I was crying for a good while after we got into bed and I tried my hardest to calm down and stop crying which was really hard as my heart was beating super fast, and my breath was short. My bf is not the best at comforting people, hes always been very awkward and i would say almost uncomfortable when I start crying. He did ask me what was wrong but after telling him I dont know a few times he stopped talking to me completely- which is what he does when he doesnt know how to comfort me, I asked him for help while crying saying to help me calm down but he just kept saying “I don’t know what to do” “what am i supposed to do” which honestly left me even more sad. After I calmed down a bit he asked me if I wanted to go on his phone or watch something on the tv but knowing myself and how nauseous I felt I know staring at a screen would make me puke and make me feel worse. I told him that it would make things worse and I just wanted to lay a little until I felt a bit better. I thought he would be understanding but instead he got annoyed and irritated that I just “wanted to lay and do nothing” and made it obvious by saying that “doing nothing wont make me feel better” with a very irritated tone. I didn’t want to say anything back or tell him how he was making me feel as I knew he would start arguing and I didn’t feel like dealing with it after freaking out. This morning, I said to him that he shouldn’t have been annoyed with me and he should’ve shown me more compassion, to which he said: “Right let me just stand extremely calm behind you and then suddenly start bawling my eyes out with no rhyme or reason and for the next hour just say I don’t know what’s wrong and I don’t know why I’m “bawling” and absolutely nothing is wrong. And when I start crying I’m gonna tell you I wanna calm down and I don’t wanna watch or listen to anything, and you will be happy to, but what you don’t know is that I actually want to do absolutely nothing while still not telling you why for the next 2 hours or so after that, so long in fact that I fall asleep while “calming down” but any movement or sound from you wakes me up again so you’re not able to do absolutely anything but stare at the ceiling in a dark room. See if you get annoyed” I just can’t figure out why I have to be blamed for freaking out and how it made him feel annoyed. Am i the asshole?